October 9, 2007

Happy Birthday Samantha

Eight years ago today was one of the happiest days of our lives. Having a 22 month old boy at home and giving birth on this day to a beautiful HEALTHY baby girl had completed our little family (or so we thought). During my pregnancy, I used my “in” at the hospital I worked at and had a second sonogram done to confirm in fact that I was carrying a little girl. I just couldn’t believe that I was so fortunate to have one of each. It was all to perfect and so was she. The day she was born many tears were shed in aw of her beauty. As she grew, we all learned how deep her beauty truly was. She was an amazing little girl. Everybody who came in contact with her commented on What a Beautiful child she was. The kind of beauty that runs deep within the soul. She touched many lives in 7 years and she will be deeply missed, forever loved, and never forgotten.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY SAMANTHA MARIE, words can never express how much we miss you sweetie!
All Our Love, Hugs & Millions of Kisses,
Mommy, Daddy, Christopher, Jason, & Hershey (your Persy too!)

These rainbows were over our house on the day of Jason's 1st birthday. We of course took it as a Happy Birthday wish for him from his big sister and a hello to Christopher. It was so beautiful.

I read this poem on another little girl's website and it touched my heart so much I wanted to share it. I know Samantha is with us but to see her and hold her or hear her voice is an overwhelming feeling of the incredible loss we are suffering with..

Letter From Heaven
To my dearest family, some things I’d like to say.
But first of all, to let you know, that I arrived okay.
I’m writing this from heaven. Here I dwell with God above.
Here, there are no more tears of sadness; here is just eternal love.
Please do not be unhappy just because I’m out of sight.
Remember that I am with you every morning, noon and night.
That day I had to leave you when my life on earth was through.
God picked me up and hugged me and he said, “I welcome you.
It’s good to have you back again, you were missed while
You were gone. As for your dearest family, they’ll be here later on.
There’s so much that we have to do, to help our mortal man.”
God gave me a list of things that he wished for me to do.
And foremost on the list, was to watch and care for you.
And when you lie in bed at night, the day’s chores put to flight.
God and I are closest to you…in the middle of the night.
When you think of my life on earth, and all those loving years,
Because you are only human, they are bound to bring you tears.
But do not be afraid to cry; it does relieve the pain. Remember
There would be no flowers, unless there was some rain.
I wish that I could tell you all that God has planned.
If I were to tell you, you wouldn’t understand.
But one thing is for certain, though my life on earth is o’er.
I’m closer to you now, than I ever was before.
There are many rocky roads ahead of you and many hills to climb;
But together we can do it by taking one day at a time.
It was always my philosophy and I’d like it for you too;
That as you give unto the world, the world will give to you.
When you’re walking down the street and you’ve got Me on
Your mind; I’m walking in your footsteps only half a step behind.
And when it’s time for you to go…from that body to be free.
Remember you’re not going…you’re coming here to Me.
Author: Richard Mahaffey

September 19, 2007


One year ago today, for the first time we were the parents of three beautiful children. Although we were struggling and fighting for Samantha’s life we were all able to find some happiness that day… Happy 1st Birthday Jason.

Now we begin our 7th month without Samantha. Every day is a new challenge. Things will never be the same for us and dealing with the finality of Samantha passing is very difficult. Most days it is still unbelievable. Missing her and wanting to hold her again, hear the sound of her voice, or smell the scent of her hair will be with us for the rest of our lives. The feelings are overwhelming and impossible to put into words.

We were looking forward to school starting thinking it would help all of us. In some ways it has but it is hard for us as parents to drop off one child when it should be two. To see Samantha’s classmates coming and going full of life is also difficult. She should be there laughing, learning and growing with them. Christopher is facing his own struggles with that as well, which continues to tear at our hearts. We are working through it the best we can.

On the other hand his activities have gotten us out more. Being around people again is helpful. I think, in my case anyway, it has sparked a little life back up inside me and has made me want to do more. Over the past few weeks I have found myself actually doing things I have been talking about doing for a while. That to me is a big step and I am glad to finally be taking it. I don’t know if it will last or for how long but for the moment I feel a little better. Kurt’s work is picking up which has made him feel better too. Let’s hope that continues.

On September 24th Chillis Restaurants nationwide will donate 100% of it's profits to St. Jude Childrens Reasearch Hospital. It is an easy way to help in the fight against childhood cancer and enjoy a good meal. Please check out your local Chilli's to see if they are participants.

We are still working on the website for the Memorial Fund and it is coming along slowly. We hope to have it up and running soon.

We, as always, are grateful to all of you who continue to reach out to us and give us strength.

Happy Birthday Jason, you have brought so much joy to your family little guy.
Samantha you are deeply missed. We love you sweetie.

Love,
Audra, Kurt, Christopher, & Jason

August 19, 2007

It is so hard to believe we have lived without Samantha for 6 months. I find myself still saying how could this have happened. I don't know how many times I will have to say it for it to make any sense, most likely it never will, how could it. All I know is I MISS and WANT my daughter. She was such an inspiration to all of us. We are all in some what of a rutt. We love each other and try so hard to make the best of our days but the point is that we have to try. It should be a natural thing to wake up and enjoy our days together and you would think after what we have just been through we would make every minute count. Some how it does not work like that. There is a lot of time spent feeling sad, lonely, angry, empty, and just plain disgusted.
Everything we do, especially for/with Christopher (as Jason is still to young to know) seems to be depressing. Nothing will ever be the same, especially for him. We can never fix the hole Samantha's passing has left in his soul. It tears at our hearts that again we can not help our child. It just isn't supposed to be this way.

We are hoping that the start of the new school year will be up lifting forChristopher and a distraction for all of us. We look forward to watching him playing baseball again and doing the things a kid his age should be doing. I think it will help all of us in one way or another. I know for myself I have been somewhat anti-social and this will kind of give me a push out the door. For Kurt, the involvement of helping coach the baseball team will be good. I think he will find enjoyment there as he has in the past. As for Jason, he is such a happy little guy where ever we are so that's not an issue.

We are still waiting for the Memorial Fund website to be finished, it is in the process of being built now and I will post the information as soon as I have it.
As always our gratitude and love to all.
Audra, Kurt, Christopher, & Jason

August 4, 2007 The summer is coming close to an end and we are getting ready for the new school year to start. I think Christopher is looking forward to be back in his routine and seeing all his friends again. He has had a busy summer, has been on a few trips, and had company but those times in between he seems so lonely. Jason was Finally Baptized on the 28th of July. We had a small private ceremony in the Chapel of St. Helen's. It was perfect and Jason was so good. He is now 10 mos. old and trying to walk. We have found he is a climber just like his big brother and sister so we have spent the past few days rearranging our house to make it safe for him. It seems right now things are becoming more real and the numbness is starting to wear off for all of us. It is so hard to believe all that has happened in the last year and a half. As we continue this journey life has handed us we find ourselves trying to block out the bad memories and replace them with the good ones. For some reason, I guess because it is so fresh, the bad ones play over and over in our minds. Hopefully time will take care of that. We continue to follow the websites of the children who are still fighting their "monsters" and pray that a cure will be found before we lose any more of these precious little ones. The website for "The Samantha Britton Memorial Fund" should be up and running in a few weeks. It will be linked to the blog or vice versa so I hope you all will visit it and support what we are doing to help others fighting for their childrens lives. As always our deepest gratitude to all who continue to check in on us and remain by our side through these tough times. With Love, Audra, Kurt, Christopher, & Jason

July 16th, 2007

It is hard to believe that we are approaching 5 months since Samantha left us. I still find myself wondering how this is all possible. I guess I will never get used to living life without her and I don't see how it will ever get any easier. The hole that her passing has left in all of us is just so painful. I will never understand how something like this is allowed to happen and why it is happening to so many of our precious children. As hard as we try to move on and live our lives with some sort of normality to them we find that nothing will ever be normal again.

We just returned from New York. We went up to Long Island for the 4th of July to be with family and friends. It was nice to visit with everyone back home but it was also very difficult to be there. I found it to be emotionally overwhelming. Christopher had fun with his cousins/friends but also seemed to be having some emotional issues too. I think it will be a while before we try that again. Maybe we are pushing to hard to feel better to soon, I don't know. Being back in our own home seems to help a bit.

We are working on getting the website for the Memorial Fund and will be posting the web address as soon as it is up and running. Please check back for that information.

We hope everyone is enjoying their summer and thank you once again for continuing to check in on us.

With love,
Audra, Kurt, Christopher, & Jason